I recently discovered another site to add to my list of reliable news sources (which pretty much consists of The Onion now that the Weekly World News has gone under): Cracked. According to this gripping article, Hollywood has remakes for five of the most beloved films from the ’80s in the works.

I’ve been able to corroborate the authenticity of three of these remakes through imdb.com. I’m not sure if I want to tell you which ones, though, because then you’ll cry, too. But then we can all be miserable together, and I’d much prefer to have shoulders to cry on instead of sitting here and sobbing into my vending-machine hot chocolate all by my lonesome. So here goes:

It looks like “The Karate Kid,” “Red Dawn,” and “Friday the 13th” (a “Friday the 13th” remake, *not* another sequel) have all been greenlit to the extent that they have listings (albeit very bare ones) on imdb.com. Hollywood, why not just save yourself some money and ask all the children of ’80s to throw themselves down a flight of stairs instead?

I couldn’t find anything on the purported remakes of “Weird Science” and “Top Gun.” Perhaps Hollywood is being extra sneaky because of how popular the originals were.

Sometimes, if I have pizza right before I go to bed, I have nightmares that Lindsay Lohan has been cast in Molly Ringwald’s role in a remake of “Pretty in Pink.” That is when I will know Hollywood has hit rock-bottom. I think it’s also recorded in the book of Revelation as one of the signs of the impending Apocalypse.

Remember, Hollywood - while a “Pretty in Pink” remake would be tragic, remaking “Labyrinth” is the deal-breaker. Should you even consider attempting to fill David Bowie’s knee-high vinyl boots and patterned leggings with someone like Zac Efron or one of the Jonas Brothers, you will find me in the fetal position on your studio’s doorstep, weeping uncontrollably while clutching my original 1986 VHS release, and being a tripping hazard to everyone who tries to get through the doorway to work on your accursed remake.

Tags: '80s movies, remakes