Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, please do not misunderstand my actions. I switched off the TV five minutes into the premier episode of your new reality TV show "The Two Coreys" not because I don't love you but because I love you too much to see you this way.

I accidentally discovered "Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever" one Sunday afternoon on Comedy Central when I was in high school. Once Corey Feldman appeared on the screen as rebellious (albeit cheesy) rocker Jesse Davis, I was sold.

That character became the epitome of teenage rebellion to me all through high school and college - I even incorporated sound bites from the movie into my final composition for my electronic music class, "Teenage Rebellion in the Key of D Minor."

Corey Haim, playing Feldman's slacker sidekick in "Dream A Little Dream," gave me one of my favorite quotes about the high school experience: "Wow. I always thought S.A.T. stood for Saturday Afternoon Test. What is up?"

Consequently, I had an extremely difficult time last night watching the two of them argue about whether or not Corey Haim tracked in mud on Corey Feldman's carpet.

I know that actors are not the characters they play but still. Corey Feldman spat a mixture of green Alka-Seltzer and soda all over the Yuppies in "Rock 'n' Roll High School Forever," got completely filthy in "The Goonies," and now he's flipping out about mud on his carpet? I understand that it's a nice carpet and all but dude, you're too cool to be this neurotic.

Corey Haim, sweetheart, you are still a bit of a trainwreck but you've come a long way. Please do not add jail time to your laundry list of past issues because you beat Corey Feldman down for freaking out about his carpet.

You can watch the carpet quarrel in A&E's Web preview of "The Two Coreys." It's towards the end of the preview.

Domesticated Corey vs Wild But Trying To Settle Down Corey. Who will win? If I can swallow the remnants of my adolescent idealism without choking, I might tune in to find out.