It's a semi-milestone birthday for me today (only a quarter-century until I can join the AARP), so I thought I'd share some of the wisdom I've accumulated over the years. I use the term "wisdom" rather loosely.

- When traveling to a foreign country, make sure you know how to curse in the local language. This way, if someone attempts to kidnap one of your traveling companions, you can express your displeasure like a native.

- Always bring your vehicle to a complete stop before shifting into park.

- Try to avoid having helpful friends. They will bring your tap shoes down to the stage for you to help you with your costume change, but will forget to tell you they did so. You will end up doing triple time steps in your stocking feet.

- You can be the most beautiful girl in the room, but no one will want to talk to you if you don't brush your teeth.

- Toddlers don't chew gum. If you give them an entire pack of it, they will eat every single piece. Thanks, Dad.

- CDs do not break cleanly. If you snap one in "half", you will be picking little shards out of your carpet for weeks.

- No matter how big the generation gap may be, it can always be bridged by the Beatles. Or possibly Alice Cooper.

- Pretty clothes and jewelry are not just for fancy occasions. If you wait for the perfect opportunity to wear something, you might never get the chance at all, so you might as well just wear it when you want to. Thanks, Mom.

- Drunk people make terrible DJs. They will get tangled up in wires and crash around the booth, and you will have to make excuses on the air about your "clumsy intern."

- Always go to the bathroom before leaving the house, even if you're the one who's driving.

- As much as I wish it wasn't the case, there are people out there who are just plain mean. Be civil, be polite, but don't feel obligated to spend any time with them or have any kind of relationship with them.

- Goldfish explode if you overfeed them.

- "You can never have too many hats!" Thanks, Mom, and Cappy from Hamtaro.

- Root beer is the closest thing there will ever be to a magic elixir.

- A true friend patiently holds your bag for you while you take yet another picture of yet another storefront in Chinatown in the pouring rain. 

- Anyone who owns a motivational plaque about chasing dreams, or landing in the stars, or something like that, has never seriously tried to chase a dream. Dream-chasing is a messy, frustrating, dangerous business that should not be attempted by anyone in their right mind. Fortunately, dreamers are rarely in their right minds, or nothing would ever get done.

- Yes, the cat *can* fit her entire paw up your nose if she's hungry and you're not getting out of bed.

- Being an honorary Goth entails much less makeup than being an actual Goth and is just as rewarding.

- Never take tax advice from a stuffed animal. You think I'm kidding.

I plan to celebrate my "special day" (as Hallmark calls it) with rented movies, grocery store sushi, and a big box of tissues. No, I'm not depressed that it's my birthday - I've just got a good old-fashioned cold, which is preventing me from doing dinner with my friends. But hey, that's what wasabi's for, right? Clears out the sinuses.

Anybody else out there having a birthday today? If so, happy birthday. And to the rest of you, I wish you a very merry unbirthday indeed. :)