Just in time for beach season, it's Flirty Little Secret, a firming cream with pheromones from Booty Parlor! Dear Lord. How do we end up on these distribution lists?

Here's the press release:

Booty Parlor, the sexy lifestyle brand for women and the men who love them, is launching their newest sexy sensation, Flirty Little Secret, a firming cream with pheromones!

Firming? Okay, I'll give you that, but pheromones? Won't it be a trifle difficult to swim and enjoy the beach with a pack of men chasing you through the surf? And what if you have a boyfriend or a husband? Isn't he going to be upset that all these other guys are crowding your beach blanket?   

Booty Parlor is a collection of sexy beauty products, lingerie and bedroom accessories created by husband and wife team, Charlie and Dana Myers. Booty Parlor is available online at www.bootyparlor.com, in stories (including Victoria’s Secret), at top hotels and in private in-home trunk shows given by registered Booticians.  

Victoria's Secret has always been one of my favorite stories. I had to pay the library five dollars the last time I checked it out because I enjoyed that story so much I forgot to return it on time.

Er, Bootician? Do you go to Booty School for that? And they're registered Booticians, which implies that somewhere out there, there is a National Registry of Booticians, all of whom have passed the rigorous Booty Exam and earned their Booty License. The mind boggles.

Booty Parlor also has a huge celebrity clientele including: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Cameron Diaz, Justin Timberlake, Eva Longoria and more.  Dana has sat down with many Hollywood couples to give them a “mojo” makeover so that they keep the spark alive!

Ah. Because the spark lasted so long for Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz. If Booty Parlor products couldn't save their relationship, just imagine what it won't be able to do for yours.

Flirty Little Secret is a revolutionary new firming cream with a special ingredient to make you irresistible to the opposite sex…pheromones.

I'm getting a little nervous about these pheromones. Could you please be more specific? They are supposed to attract males of the appropriate species, right? Nothing puts a damper on a day at the beach like getting swarmed by squirrels.

While making your skin look tighter and more toned, Flirty Little Secret will make sure that all the boys will take notice of your curves. Unleash your inner man magnet and pick up your Flirty Little Secret. Hush…we won’t tell.

That's reassuring - not only does Flirty Little Secret have your backside, it also has your back. Imagine the gossip this little product could dish out had it not pledged itself to secrecy. "Yeah, you see that girl, the one over there? Well, she used to have a lot more cellulite than that before I came on the scene. And her boyfriend? She only got that guy because I helped her drug him and talk him into the relationship."

More about the product…it contains a wheat protein which acts as the firming agent, a collagen booster to create the appearance of smooth skin and bio-bustyle, a targeted enhancer to firm and tone the bust.  

I Googled "bio-bustyle" and came up with nothing. Unsettling, that. But hey, it has wheat protein, too, so it must be good for you. 'Cause that's like, fiber and stuff, which is, like, healthy, right? 

It also contains the “alpha” isomer of the pheromone Androstenol, which creates a friendly impression, inspires flirtation, chattiness and enhances romantic feelings.  

According to Wikipedia, androstenol is also found in boars, and in considerably larger quantities than in humans. Better not go swimming in the farmyard pond unless you prepared to deal with wolf whistles from the pigpen.

According to pherolibrary.com, an overdose of androstenol can cause headaches, a sensation akin to drunken tiredness, and can also give others the impression that you're weak (in the sense that you ain't no alpha dog). 

You know what else contains androstenol and doesn't have such odd side effects? Truffles. Before you spend your hard-earned cash on Flirty Little Secret ($32 for 6 fluid ounces. Yowch.), pick up a bag of Lindt truffles. I guarantee you'll make more friends at the beach with chocolate than with pheromone-laden firming cream. And, hey, chocolate is an aphrodisiac to boot. 

Flirty Little Secret will be available on VictoriasSecret.com and www.bootyparlor.com on April 28th!

Be sure to mark your calendars so you can plan to be doing something else that day. Like stockpiling chocolate for your impending summer of romance.